Disorder in the American Courts – to make you Smile!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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About Sabine Kurjo McNeill

I'm a mathematician and system analyst formerly at CERN in Geneva and became an event organiser, software designer, independent web publisher and online promoter of Open Justice. My most significant scientific contribution is www.smartknowledge.space
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7 Responses to Disorder in the American Courts – to make you Smile!

  1. These are absolutely brilliant – I will be chuckling all day after reading these. I hope you don’t mind if I copy down a few of my favourites?

  2. peter oakes says:

    It Say,s it All.

    Attorneys become Judges ! So now you know why the

    Judges DON,t want Recording in Court, It will prove just
    What imbeciles are demanding Your Respect ! Who then Bang You Up
    for Contempt. And their Arrogance comes from the failure of Society
    to monitor the suitability of judges and their integrity ot lack of it !

    The TRUTH is just THAT ! Tactless, Decent, Justice, Who needs
    a devious arrogant fool in a Wig ! Who needs it explained that to snatch
    a new born baby from it,s mother, and then hand it to an employee of
    a group more concerned about their holidays and pensions is wrong !

    Unless it is carried out after extreme lengths of investigations, not Opinions.

    Who needs a clever devious fool covering -up for Taxmen stealing money
    under false pretences. Protecting thieving Lawyers because the judge is in
    the same Uninion, Protecting – Looking after bent coppers because they are
    the judges Goon Squad, doing the bidding of Obviously corrupt judges Re;
    the Head of the Met. concealing Master of the Rolls Nuebergers criminal offences re; Baruch Enterprises. etc. etc. or was that Recorder Brigden
    Southwark Crown Court ? We will get there !

  3. peter oakes says:

    Do not take merriment, or joy from these Records.

    The same sorry Bas———-ds Are Representing You. Controlling You
    in Congress. House of Commons. And You are that daft To pay the sorry sods !

    GETTA A GRIP.

  4. lesley Buchanan-jones says:

    thanks that is so funny, I really have laughed

  5. Peter – I think it is you that needs to get a grip – you are obviously losing yours.

  6. JM says:

    Now that was pure quality…..but how can you take any of these cunts seriosuly when they behave this way? It’s not exactly funny when you consider the power they have to fuck people over….

  7. peter oakes says:

    To not thinking at All ! Let alone outloud.

    SEEK LEGAL ADVICE

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