Dear @TheBanker, Your 86-year old Lady Customer turns the Table from Anonymity to Personal Responsibility

You may have seen it before, but as things continue to worsen, this letter may inspire creative geeks to some innovative ‘self-defence measures’ in other contexts.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my Account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £25 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and -blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a

Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

  • #1. To make an appointment to see me
  • #2. To query a missing payment.
  • #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
  • #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
  • #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
  • #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
  • #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
  • #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
  • #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Please note all calls will be charged at premium rate, as I have decided to restrict my standard geographical number to friends & family only.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client…


About Sabine Kurjo McNeill

I'm a mathematician and system analyst formerly at CERN in Geneva and became an event organiser, software designer, independent web publisher and online promoter of Open Justice. My most significant scientific contribution is
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8 Responses to Dear @TheBanker, Your 86-year old Lady Customer turns the Table from Anonymity to Personal Responsibility

  1. mr Grumpy says:

    Bankers are even further down the ‘nasty’ list than politicians .. and so they should be.

  2. Tad Davison says:

    The banks rule the western world so people ought to recognise that fact and get used to it. Not for nothing do politicians fall over themselves to appease the likes of Goldman Sachs. And have you ever noticed the number of prominent public figures who once worked for them?

    Our political representatives can do nothing without first considering if the big banks will be displeased and hold them to ransom if they don’t do their bidding. Some more courageous ones wish to do something about that sickening state of affairs, but the money men control the media and have placemen in strategically important positions to apply pressure to their own advantage.

    It’s all there if people wish to seek it out, but alas, apathy rules, and there’s nothing quite like brainwashing to keep an indifferent public compliant.

    A plague on all houses where self-interest and nepotism rules!

    Tad Davison


  3. peter oakes says:

    Just another device for “legal theft” soon we will all be fitted with a “chip” and you will not obtain access to your money at the time you require it ! but low and behold ,seconds later everything
    works. But you obtain a “fine” that has been illegally created, and has no substance in law.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Yes a Rule of Crime allowed to operate and progress due to the failings of Politician, The Judiciary, The Police and Lawyers failing by their own duplicity and complicity to supply the Human and Fundamental Rights [as detailed in the EU charter of Fundamental Rights] also duty of care that EU and UK citizens should rightfully be entitled to, surely??

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